From The Heart
by DSV4600
Summary: In a missing scene from "Motherhood" Gabrielle contemplates how much Joxer really meant to her.


FROM THE HEART ****

FROM THE HEART

Gabrielle watched as Virgil rode away from the Tavern, his words echoing through her mind: "he brought joy to everybody who knew him." She glanced across to where Xena and Eve were inspecting the barn and making preparations for the coming night. I can't face her, she thought, biting her lip. Every time I look at Eve I see her plunging her sword into Joxer, the shock and surprise on his face mirroring the horror I felt inside as I realised what Eve had done. Gabrielle turned on her heel, intending to walk for a while, just wanting to get away, when she caught sight of her Sais and Xena's Chakram hanging in silent homage over the Tavern door. She thought back, remembering the amazement she'd felt upon seeing this for the first time, how they'd walked cautiously into the Tavern, suddenly surrounded by images and pictures of themselves adorning every available surface and then … then she'd seen him. Twenty-five years older but still unmistakably Joxer. Gabrielle sighed and walked to the Tavern door. It was locked, of course, but she quickly and efficiently picked the lock, feeling a stab of sorrow as she did so. Autolycus … I wonder if he's still alive? Salmoneus? Iolaus? Lila? So many friends … have I lost them all? She stepped inside and thoughts of others were banished from her mind. No wonder Meg couldn't stay her, she thought, glancing around, every single item is a painful reminder of what she's … what we've lost. She could almost feel Joxer's presence around her, seeing him in every design, every picture. Gabrielle quietly closed the door and walked slowly to the far table, pausing to touch various pictures and sculptures. She sat down, her back against the wall so she could see the entire room.

We sat here before, she thought, Xena and I listening as you told us how you'd searched for us. You searched for such a long time, longer than either of us would have believed. Xena once told me that when the living think of the dead, the dead can hear their thoughts. Joxer, there is so much I want you to know but I don't know where to start and whether it'll make any sense. I'm supposed to be a Bard, thought Gabrielle irritably, so why can't I just say what I mean? Because I can't really accept that you're gone, she thought. I keep expecting you to turn up, running cheerfully towards us, that funny grin on your face as you babble, sometimes incoherently, about some heroic deed you'd supposedly done. It's not going to happen though, is it? I really have to accept the fact that you're gone, that you're not coming back, but it's so hard, Joxer. There was so much between us that was left unsaid. I don't think you ever really knew how much you meant to me, how it was you, your smile, your laugh, your cheerful optimism and your boundless enthusiasm, that saw me through some of the darkest times in my life. You gave me back my laughter, Joxer, during a time when I never thought I'd ever smile again and that's something I'll never forget.

There's so much about you that I'll miss … little things, mainly, things I'd never really thought about before. The way you pouted whilst thinking, those ridiculous stories of yours, not to mention those even more ridiculous jokes, your kind and sweet nature – you never complained even when I treated you terribly. You put up with my moans and complaints but, most of all, you were always there when I needed cheering up, when I needed a friend. You were a great listener as well and I'm sure that, at times, Xena and I must have stretched your patience to its limits but you never gave a sign. You seemed happy to just sit and listen as we poured out our problems and bounced ideas off you. You were one of the kindest, sweetest, generous and most caring men that I even knew and you may have been clumsy but Xena once said that you had the heart of a lion. When I remember all those times that Xena and I were in trouble and you'd come rushing in, not a thought for your own safety, determined to help us, I believe you had a lion's courage as well.

It's so painful without you; it's like all the light has gone from the world. Everything seems so much darker now and I can't seem to see a way forward. I keep wishing I'd treated you better, maybe cut down on the nose-pulls and not said quite so many hurtful and cutting remarks. I couldn't seem to help it, you were so annoying at times but also so oddly endearing. I hated seeing you sad and I know that I was responsible for a lot of the pain that you carried with you. I'm sorry, Joxer, I never meant to hurt you but when you told me that you loved me it was such a complete surprise. It took my breath away and when you said "no strings" and that you just wanted me to know … well, it gave me a great excuse not to think about it, to push it to the back of my mind. I didn't want to examine the feelings I was having … I was afraid of getting close, of losing you like I lost Perdicas and, by the time I realised, when I finally admitted it to myself, it was too late. This whole thing with the Gods got completely out of control and we lost twenty-five years. I know we can't go back but I can't help wondering what it would have been like if this hadn't happened, if we'd never been forced into that last showdown with Athena.

Gabrielle jumped as a flash of bright light lit up the room and a figure appeared, seemingly from nowhere.

"Aphrodite," sighed Gabrielle, relaxing slightly. The rest of the Gods may be determined to kill them but Gabrielle had long since counted Aphrodite as a friend. She frowned as she noticed that, instead of Aphrodite's usual pink, flowing attire, the Goddess of Love was dressed in black.

"I miss him too, little one," said Aphrodite quietly. "I felt I had to say goodbye."

"I know," replied Gabrielle. "I wanted to remember … and … there were a few things I had to tell him."

Aphrodite sighed and shook her head. "He wouldn't let me interfere, you know. I wish I hadn't listened to him … I could have just given you a little nudge. I felt that his loyalty and devotion to you deserved some reward." Aphrodite paused and then smiled slightly. "I also figured I owed him, especially after what I put him through."

Gabrielle smiled through her tears. "Remember when you put that spell on him? Turned him into a super sexy, heroic warrior every time a bell rang?"

Aphrodite laughed. "And when I made him think he was Attis, King of the Monkey Men?"

They both laughed but it was laughter tinged with sadness. Remembering the fun and happy times seemed to make them both realise how much they would miss him.

"Aphrodite," said Gabrielle softly, "can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Why did you have such a soft spot for Joxer?"

Aphrodite smiled. "Gods have the ability to see a mortal's true self. All the darkness and light within is revealed. Not many Gods bother but, to me, its always been important. When I looked at Joxer I could see what other mortals saw: the clumsy oaf with the overactive mouth, but I could also look beneath that. Joxer was one of the few mortals whose heart shone with light. I saw his courage, his devotion, his loyalty but, most of all, I saw his love … and, of course, being the Goddess of Love … well, suffice to say, I kind of adopted him as one of my own. You know, I always thought he would have made a great priest in one of my temples."

Gabrielle laughed at the image that conjured up in her mind and Aphrodite smiled slightly.

"I guess," she continued," that I saw in Joxer much the same as you finally did."

"It took me long enough," remarked Gabrielle.

"Maybe," shrugged Aphrodite, "but the important thing is that you now know what it is that you have to tell Joxer. He can hear you, you know?"

"I know," smiled Gabrielle, "but I think its harder to tell him now than when he was … alive."

"You can't deny it any longer," shrugged Aphrodite, "and if anyone around here is qualified to give advice it would have to be me."

"I guess you're right."

"Well," said Aphrodite, "I have to go … I really shouldn't be here at all."

Gabrielle frowned. "Aphrodite, be careful."

"I will," smiled the Goddess of Love. "Take care of yourself, little one."

Another flash of light and Aphrodite vanished as quickly as she had arrived. Gabrielle sighed and stood up, wiping her eyes. I'd better go, Joxer, Xena will be getting worried about me … but I think she'll guess where I am … what I'm doing. Gabrielle walked slowly across the room, opening the door and then pausing, glancing back into the Tavern. I miss you, Joxer, she thought, but I'll be thinking of you. Gabrielle took a deep breath and then spoke aloud … a single phrase that meant so much:

"I love you, Joxer."

In the Elysian Fields, Joxer smiled.


End file.
